Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
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She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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