someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
