he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
