put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Are my feet made of real feet?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize
