you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
