I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
ttyl tear gas
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
