You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
