Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Green mimosas i think yes
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
