remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
