I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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