Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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