You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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