I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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