Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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