just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
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The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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