im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
