I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
