Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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