wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life