anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.