Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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