His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
