mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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