and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
