Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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