how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
