it was like his penis was on wheels.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
