the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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