Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
