Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
