So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
