I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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