shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
