i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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