I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
