Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
