I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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