So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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