Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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