Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
