i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
