i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
