I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
