Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
