Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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