i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
