Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
