I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
