I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
