i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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