News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
