My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
