Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
