I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.