how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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