you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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