Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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