All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
i need to put some appletini on your dick
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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