My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
