Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
